Tacky Tuesday

  For today, I am going to use this as a raw “gotta get some stuff off my chest and vent” post. What could be more tacky than talking about relationships and putting yourself on blast? I feel like I need to put all of this in writing to get it out of my head. So, if you don’t want to hear about my thoughts or failed relationships, I’d advise you to stop reading now - I will not use anyone’s name in this blog either. We’re not gonna be that tacky today…. And I don’t foresee much humor in this post, unless you find it funny how completely dysfunctional my life has been at times.

   I am just going to start out by saying, I love my family. I have no other choice. They are my family, will always be my family, and I will choose them over anyone any day because through every single bit of the ups and downs I have had in my life, they have been my support system - my backbone. They are absolutely amazing. But they can also be the biggest pain and headache imaginable. My relationship with my parents has always been very strong but has never come without it’s problems, differences, and endless bickering. I think this is where I have come to learn that if you love someone and truly care about someone, you don’t just give up on them because you have a disagreement, or argument, or a knock-down drag-out fight. You forgive them, learn to admit when you're wrong (which sometimes I have a very hard time doing) and realize that not everyone is perfect.

  Personal “boyfriend-girlfriend” relationships have not always been my strong suit. To put it bluntly, I completely suck at them. I did have a relationship that lasted 4 years, (with multiple break-ups) but after looking back on it, I’m about 95% sure that it lasted as long as it did because I was not being myself. I was content in being a “water-downed” version of myself to make something last because I was in “love”. Did I care about him, absolutely. Will I always care about him? Of course I will. That was my first long-term relationship but it was NEVER meant to work - too many differences in opinions and it definitely is true that people “grow apart”. And it is also true that people “grow” in general. I am definitely not even CLOSE to the same person I was 10 years ago, or even 2 years ago…I met some people during the “break-up” periods and even before and after this particular relationship that have became really good friends or potential “love interests”. The timing for these situations just wasn’t right, and if I would have pursued them at that time I would have ended up hurting them and not having them still in my life today - and I am so thankful for that. Again, I am not the same person today that I was then…

  I have went through my “single life” phase. Did I “whore around”? No, because that’s not my style. But, I did go out on A LOT of dates. I had this idea in my head that there was nothing in particular that I was looking for, and maybe if I even gave someone a shot that I maybe wouldn’t have ever before, I would find something that was “missing”. Truth is, there was nothing “missing” from my life. I don't need a guy to make me happy. I just didn’t know what it was that made me happy at the time. That happens when you get out of a relationship - you develop a lot of the same interests and spend so much time together that you forget what YOUR interests are (girls in particular). I hurt a lot of people during this time. I know I did. I was cold and refused to let anyone get to close, deleted numbers, and completely cut off communication when I thought that they had crossed that "invisible line". I also did some things I never imagined I would do during this time. I hung-out with a married man off and on for a year, road tripping to Nashville every chance I had. My moral compass was definitely not pointing due north at this time...I was a mess. Even though I still can’t believe that I acted so utterly insane, I still feel like that I needed it. All of it. It made me realize that everyone is human and make mistakes, but also that they have feelings too. Especially when I had people hurt me…

      It took a long while before I decided to be in a relationship again. This one taught me so much more than any other relationship ever could have. It taught me how to open up to someone and allow myself to be vulnerable. It taught me how to let my guard down and allow someone else to take on the role of being my boyfriend and doing things for me and with me, when I was used to being so independent. It taught me how to be committed, and make sacrifices for people that you care about. But it also taught me about the importance of communication, it taught me about myself and how far I was willing to push people away and allow them to push me away, it taught me about the importance of family, and it taught me that no matter what someone says to you - actions speak so much louder than words. I can’t sit here and say that I regret any one situation in particular, because I have learned so much from each one of them individually that I feel like I have learned more about myself in the mean time, and I might not have otherwise.

  So, this evening I felt like I needed closure. I have allowed so many people to walk out of my life without ever speaking to them again. I can’t do the “let’s be friends” thing. It is too hard for me to go on having contact with someone that I have had feelings for….most of the time. I just felt like that this last one, I needed to apologize. It just ended - and that was that. I feel bad for the way things ended up, and I needed the closure to completely move on. It’s only fair to myself and other people involved. Does it make me feel better about the situation? No, not really. But it does at least allow me to put that piece of my past away, and make room for the future.

  After all of this heaviness, I leave you with this…Regardless of the situation you’re in, or the relationship you’re in at the time - if there is someone in your life that you can completely be yourself around, has been there for you for years regardless of what’s going on, has been your friend at your best and worst, and has never left…there’s a reason for that. I do truly believe that life is all about timing, and you can’t truly appreciate someone until there are other lessons that you have learned first - but if they’re still around after all that, don’t screw it up. Don’t let them go. If you do, there will always be that regret…is it worth it? Definitely not worth the regret…but might definitely be worth it in the end.